my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
