Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize