Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
