yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
