You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
