I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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