Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
