I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
