HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
