i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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