so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
