Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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