I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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