I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
