I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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