i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
