i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
