i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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