I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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