Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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