Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
