Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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