"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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