Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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