Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize