i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize