I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
