Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
