He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
