Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
