Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
