Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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