he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
