Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
