Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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