Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize