Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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