I'm gonna have a badass scar
Semen is not good for contacts.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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