Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
