Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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