ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize