Where is the hickey?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
