just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
