Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
