the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
