Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
