jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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