I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
