remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
