she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
