I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
