I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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