You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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