Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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