Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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