I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize