I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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