she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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