can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
