We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Come share oat with me in your robe
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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