My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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