3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
