I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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