Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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