you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
