Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
