Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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