this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
