Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Randomize
