No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
