Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
